me sometime at the end of august

i have HUGE thighs


and a BIG ass


like omg ewww!!!
i hate me =[

omg i hate ana but i love it. its addictive even though its filled with false hope and disappointment. i dont want to get better ever. i want to keep getting thinner. i love seeing the scale go down and hearing my mom complain that i never eat. it makes me feel...like i have something thats all mine. my brother was like the golden child, he was good in school, excelled at sports, but he got into drugs. then i became the golden child, the one who CANT screw up. well ana helps my willpower so that i DONT become an alcoholic like my parents or a druggie like my brother.

without it, i dont know what would happen to me.

 im kinda amazed and perplexed a little bit

i lost 7 lbs in 3 days fasting. 

wow. 

im EXTREMELY happy =]

Current Mood: hopeful

well. this is my first post. woo! haha well uhm i dont really know what to say. i guess i'll say how my day went

first, i have an ED for those who didnt already know and today was day 4 of suckfest. ive been on a 4 day binge that i cant get off of. i have no clue what happend to my will power. hopefully next week will be much much muchhh better. if not i just dont know what ill do but i kno i sure as HELL aint gonna have another week like this one. 

i did pretty well today, staying away from food completely. that is, until my mom left. 

i thought 'oh ill just have a can of green beans. 70 calories  isnt that bad for the day. ' well 70 turned into 140 which turned into 200 which turned into 500 and then i lost count. i just started eating anything and everything we have. its a good thing i threw out some foods i thought i would binge on yesterday. now we have like no food in the house haha. thats not a bad thing either =] i prefer it that way. 

i got a lotta homework to do now. of course. i always have homework.

so uhm good night i guess. 

<3

Current Location: kitchen
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: none